`my lips like sugar.

2009-09-29T17:49:00.000+08:00

i'm making the change to wordpress. (:

maybe i'll come back here again someday. soon?

i'll tell you if i come back here again. (:

but it's wordpress for now. i like it there.

and it's time to say bye to the pink layout.

i have to admit the pink-ness hurts my eyes, sometimes. HAH.

i'll definitely keep this blog coz memories are here. (:

21.02.06 - 29.09.09.

siyunbaby.wordpress.com.

see ya there. (:

2009-09-29T12:18:00.003+08:00

deleted a whole lot of pictures. (:

i can't ever get back those pictures that i deleted.

yay. finally.

let's see what i ate/drank ever since i woke up 3 hours ago.

1. 1 entire full mini snowskin durian mooncake.

2. 2 durian puffs.

3. half of a mini snowskin lotus paste with egg yolk mooncake.

4. one bottle of vitagen.

5. one cup of water.

6. 6 chicken sausages.

and mummy thinks i'm going to be anorexic?

nonsense, isn't it?!

i think my period's coming.

coz i'm eating like a pig and feel so mad bloated. ):

i always eat like a pig and feel bloated when it's coming.

listening to: hiccup by pink.

that's how i, sometimes, feel when i see you.

2009-09-29T09:48:00.004+08:00

the solution.

i'll make myself think of it til it hurts so very badly,

i won't think of it anymore,

or until i become numb.

i can't think of a better and faster way.

2009-09-29T01:06:00.000+08:00

90210, season 2, episode 3:

"it still hurts?"

"yeah. more than i realised.

'cause it takes a long time to make someone fade away."

2009-09-28T23:13:00.001+08:00

siyunbaby.wordpress.com.

i'm not changing over to wordpress.

but i may just post some entries there. (:

"sleep now, child, rest easy and dream.

all things aren't what they seem.

a fear is just love unseen.

remember that and make love your theme."

- twitter.com/thedailylove.

2009-09-28T22:14:00.000+08:00

it somehow became an entirely different issue

- deciding on whether i should say it or not.

i'll decide somewhere during the week?

not conducive to think now.

+ thinking alone doesn't seem to get me a conclusion.

anyway, i think f1 drivers are kinda hot.

googling them right now.

gossipgirl season 3, episode 2:

"there's a reason i always come back to you, carter.

and it's not because you're my bad habit."

"what then?"

"you're the only one who understood why i needed to find my father.

you were there for me during all of that, and i trust you."

"anyone would have done the same thing."

"no, they wouldn't have. and i don't want anyone else.

i want you."

- serena to carter.

okayy. sweet movies, shows, songs, videos are all

raining down on me recently.

i should avoid them.

coz they make me want to say things i really don't want to say out.

`gravity.

2009-09-28T15:13:00.000+08:00

I shall try sugar-free naughtygdrink + alcohol soon.
At night. Alone. At home. In my room. (:
I'll message u peeps if I rrly get high! (:

oh! I've haagen dazs vouchers to clear!

2009-09-28T15:06:00.000+08:00

1. naughtygdrink DOESN'T work.

it doesn't make me awake after a night of not sleeping.

it doesn't make me feel more energetic.

it doesn't make me want to 'work hard, play harder."

and for people who thinks horny goat weed makes you horny,

no, it definitely doesn't. i double-confirm.

2. them. (:

with the boy with bed-head hair in one picture.

3. my study guides for the entire year.

have to finish reading every single page.

have to change bedsheets so I can nap but I'm lazy.
Somebody please come and help me with them.
I hope my husband in the future, loves changing bedsheets.

`isn't it funny how these things get turned around?

just when i thought i knew you,

you proved me wrong.

i used to hate those things you love,

and love the things you hate.

and now i like it.

2009-09-28T12:16:00.001+08:00

it looks like a boring day ahead.

but nevertheless, i'll try to make it fun. (:

by devoting my entire day to studying. (:

there's satisfaction in going through the notes and tutorials,

then realising that i actually understand the graphs and analysis. (:

listening to: band aid by pixie lott.

there's something strangely addictive about it.

`but they say bad endings make happy beginnings.

there's something about you that's like the sun.

2009-09-28T01:01:00.000+08:00

tell me how ha-ha can i get?

i'm actually at chc's website,

looking at the wedding planning appendix

and wedding planning guide.

so sweet. i'm just a sucker for this type of things.

i melt. like almost instantly.

i have zero immunity. tsk.

why the first page of the appendix

only features the bodies of the bride and groom?

why not full-body?! hah.

2009-09-28T00:53:00.000+08:00

[edited with postsecret.com postcards

and my thoughts on some of them.]

i want to go somewhere where i can don't put on mascara or eyeliner,

plus wear oversized tees + fbts/shorts,

a warm jacket if it's too cold,

wear slippers,

and wear my specs.

okay. i want to watch midnight movies at heartland malls.

pfft.

not because i'm stuck at home when i actually want to be at the movies.

just about something else.

instant reaction. okay not so. aiyah. i'm confusing myself too.

so it's not important. + tell me what has it actually got to do with me?

nothing. at all.

oh, whatever. aiyah, i don't care.

and again, i'm having a conversation with myself,

trying to persuade myself.

this is total nonsense.

can i just slap myself?

i t s c b a n f. b t t t i k k c b t m, e n a t.

a i c s t t f a i. this is so irritating.

c i d k i t a g o w t t o t.

+ i d k i t p t s t a i l b.

then again, i'm like so sure it is.

but i didn't say the one most important thing,

that i wanted to say.

i don't dare.

aiyah. go to sleep.

once i successfully drift off into dreamland,

i won't even be thinking about anything.

but i dreamt once recently.

a few times before.

i woke up, remembered that recent dream,

then i omg-ed.

coz i didn't think i would dream of it again.

rule no.1: i try not to say whoever's name in public or on my blog,

unless absolutely necessary.

`and now i miss everything about you.

i can't believe that i still want you.

i think it's true for me, sometimes.

occasionally.

when you do something, think of me.

why do i think that this is sweet?

i nearly typed "guys can be rendered useless."

but i won't. just because i think i should respect guys again.

and i will. + trust them again.

starting from today onwards. this very second. (:

wangsiyun's going back to believing and trusting again.

so please applaude. (:

3 months and i think i saw relatively nice guys.

i think wanting to trust again

also has something vague to do with today's service too.

so it's time to regain faith in them again.

i hope it's permanent this time. i want it to be. (:

but the problem is i realised that for now,

i only trust those guys that i know in church.

that's the problem.

yes, i know. i know not all christian guys are good,

and not all non-christian guys are bad.

but still. it's just for now.

maybe i'll extend the trust to non-christian guys in the future.

i know it's stupid,

but i feel like crying when i say i believe and trust again.

6 months of not, is almost killing me and making me tired.

i tell myself, almost everyday, for 6 months,

that i can't trust or i'll get hurt. that i'll stop trusting.

that prevention is better than cure.

but i've changed my mind now.

so i'll plunge myself into whatever comes once again.

but only if i feel that it's worth it. even if there's hurt involved.

only if i feel that i'd rather feel the pain than to never have had it before.

there's a slight difference between now and the past though.

i trust. wholeheartedly. but i also want to have my own voice. (:

and now, out of a sudden, these few sentences that pastor kong

said today during service, flashed past my mind.

when he said it, i was haha, yah. it's really true.

i think it's time for the notes app again.

i shall jot the sentences down.

i shall watch it again, online, when it's up.

so in fear that i'll be like this too,

maybe i won't get a tattoo after all.

HAHA. he needs to go online shopping at some websites.

OMG. and i suddenly thought of a text message conversation.

2009-09-27T22:59:00.000+08:00

f1 tickets.

but they aren't mine.

i wish they were mine though. haha.

dhobyghaut station.

don't bother clicking on the picture coz it's too blur.

2009-09-27T21:19:00.002+08:00

Listening to: I don't need a man - the pussycat dolls.
While mulling over my econs notes and tutorials.

2009-09-27T01:47:00.002+08:00

I must be getting old. Pfft.
I'm feeling sleepy, all I want to do is to go home to sleep.

and now, I'm mentally browsing through my wardrobe,
with its limited clothings, thinking of what to wear for service later on.

`when i met you,

i didn't really like you.

2009-09-26T22:43:00.004+08:00

I love the notes app.

I've found a new way to jot down whatever.

Should I get ready to go out now?

Or should I stay at home and watch tv?

I should go out coz today has been quite emotional.

Maybe. I shall deliberate. Hah.

2009-09-26T01:38:00.005+08:00

shokudo with them. (:

nai was stuck in school though. ):

so it was 6-minus-1 today.

is it me or are air-conditioned places all really cold?

even if i wear long-sleeves to school,

i feel as though i'm about to go into hibernation mode

within 1.5 hours.

this is what i did during break in an attempt to stay awake.

i like writing on tissue paper. haha.

need to sleep. it's 2.34am

and i only finished one note. this is bad.

yes. phone 100% charged.

time-check: 2.59am.

i need some shut-eye desperately.

nights.

2009-09-25T19:01:00.000+08:00

I'm early for dinner once again.
I can't believe this.
I should resume being the late one.
Hah.

2009-09-25T14:35:00.001+08:00

Yet another person asking me for directions,
even though i'm plugged into my iPod.
Haha. I think I have the 'information-counter-face'.
Coz ppl always like to ask me for directions,
even if I'm busy texting, talking or plugged into my iPod.

(: I try my best to direct them,
although i'm quite a direction-idiot at times too.
Boo.

Just finished driving lessons.
And I'm waiting for the bus to rush to hougang now.

2009-09-25T06:15:00.005+08:00

sometimes, when scenes pop into my mind unknowingly,

i feel everything's ridiculous.

so you can, but i can't.

it's total nonsense, isn't it?

i don't see why people can think that you and whoevers are j p f,

but when it comes to me, they just don't think so?

so what? i'm the one that gives those kind of impressions?

i have no idea if i should even feel insulted.

or upset that you don't know me well enough

and came up with that conclusion,

if it's the conclusion that you really came up with,

and if it's what you think i am.

i would like to think you knew better, after so many months.

ahh. forget it.

i won't ever be able to process it all and give myself an answer.

I get it yet I don't get it.
Then when I don't get it, I realise shld get it.
So yah, I get it. And pls don't think I sound angry,
coz i'm not. It's just a moment of confusion.
Confusion is a word tt pops up often,
for things concerning you.

maybe we should go for a drink

after all of your mid-sem papers are over.

i should get ready for school.

2009-09-25T05:54:00.005+08:00

"go drinking bo jio."

- HAHAHA. i just saw your offline msg.

okay! i jio you next time! ((:

but by then, you'd probably be back in hall mugging!

recess week would be over!

`not a day goes by and i don't think of you.

2009-09-24T14:17:00.004+08:00

In the midst of lecture but I'm worried.

I wished I reached school earlier.

I wished I knew you didn't go for lessons,

so I could meet you and talk to you.

I thought you went for lessons.

But you know you can get me on the phone,

anytime you need to talk. Even if it's late at night.

Nothing to do w e above:
but I think that there's an apple that I want,
though I've only ever admitted it to one person,
& that's something I never thought I'd admit.
Admitting it was a lil difficult at that point in time.
But now it feel easier and better.
+ I'm not killing myself over it anymore.

And because i admit it, I no longer feel like strangling myself

over some ... that I ... that i shouldn't.
I accept me wanting that apple.
It's only that, me and that apple?
We'lll never be near each other.
I know. And I take it as it is.

And I keep having this strong feeling that what I think
is true. And that it has s t d w y.
Although I can't 100% be certain, this vague scenario springs out.
But even if it's true, it's really has nothing to do w me.
It's so entirely n o m b until
I think it's so very ridiculous of me even having the scenario in my mind.
But it just pops out. I didn't even have to think about it.

That was my very first thought and feeling when I ...

That thought came in an instant. Out of the blue.

But the more things I seem to uncover and know,

the more my heart aches.

But it's only temporal. I know it will be. Right.

My heart aches and it serves as a reminder to not think about it,

then, sooner or later, everything would be made right again.

45more mins to end of lecture.
And I'm blog-hopping plus blogging.

2009-09-23T22:44:00.003+08:00

I'm intrigued to know what did u l and how h the w you learnt it was.
But I can't ask again. Due to several factors.
Why didn't you text me that instead of * so I could ask?

coloured hair.

jie says that i looked quite lian with my hair colour. do i really?!

but at least i coloured it back already. (:

it was during the wedding dinner in may.

idk when and who took this.

but i think it was during the wedding-video,

or some performance.

since i was so captivated to the front.

2009-09-23T14:52:00.001+08:00

this is what we saw at 7-11.

naughty g drink.

is it a new drink? HAH.

googled it and i think it works like redbull.

i've never tried redbull before.

but i wanna try naughty g drink someday. (: maybe.

but just once, one can.

i don't like drinking drinks like this,

or like h20 or 100-plus.

and what is horny goat weed?!

2009-09-23T14:06:00.002+08:00

cut certain parts of very recent entries,

some were even whole entries,

and saved them into my drafts folder.

and i did a lil spring-cleaning for my phone as well.

gossipgirl season 2:

"you can tell me what you feel for me is real."

"it's just a game."

"chuck, why did you just do that?"

"because i love her."

"you were right. i love you too."

gossipgirl, season 3:

"i want you to be happy,

however that's achieved."

- chuck to blair.

`you've been reaching too far,

you've been trying too much,

you've been losing yourself.

so out of touch.

2009-09-23T04:36:00.000+08:00

Sitting at macs, at Clarke Quay.
Waiting for the first train.
With 7% of battery life left in my iPhone.

2009-09-22T17:19:00.000+08:00

Seoulgarden-ing very soon!
Queen! If u're reading this, I'm eating! (:
The first meal of the day. and I'm hungry.

Window shopping and I actually need a new half-tube top.
But it's troublesome to remove my tanktop,
then my half-tube top. Grr.
Too many layers don't go well w shopping for new clothes.

saw a quite cute Minnie-mouse shirt going for 29bucks at mango.
instantly turned and walked out.
I shall just sit down and stop window shopping.
Saves money. (:

2009-09-22T11:18:00.003+08:00

slept really early last night.

the nap became an overnight period of sleep,

unexpectedly.

gossipgirl, season 3, episode 1:

"you say that, but i know you. you're chuck bass."

"i'm not chuck bass without you."

`i know i'm addicted to every single hit.

they say the first step is just admitting it.

2009-09-21T20:13:00.002+08:00

i think couple tees are cute to look at,

but wearing them out is o-kay.

i have nothing against people who wear couple tees out.

absolutely nothing at all.

but oh, i think couple iphones are crazy cute.

i have no idea why. i just think they are.

black for the guy and white for the girl,

is the cutest. HAH.

2009-09-21T19:58:00.001+08:00

home-d.

with my lecture notes to accompany me.

studied for most of the day,

in between watching some videos here and there.

and i'm glad that i did revise today. (:

coz i finally feel like i'm a student again.

it's good.

IF i can keep this up week after week,

and go to school regularly and on time.

i'll take a short nap

then study again tonight. (:

[postsecret.com]

`so what if i came clean,

told you all you mean to me?

so what if i meant every word i said?

so what if i write your name,

coz you're always on my mind?

so what if i want to kiss

from your toes up to your lips?

2009-09-21T03:43:00.003+08:00

I've been oversleeping and cabbing
so often this month, it isn't funny.
Thank goodness for wakeup calls
or I'd have probably missed service today.

Cabbing home right now.
Though I wish I was at the cinemas
watching a movie, or eating steamboat. ):

5.02 am

my old samsung phone.

which is now defunct.

okay. i think the iphone is not bad,

except that it sucks my battery life so fast.

needa go and dry my hair now,

then it's bed-time.

`yesterday's service was not bad at all. (:

and tonight was nice too. (:

nights (:

`you're a thousand dreams,

and a thousand words unsaid.

2009-09-20T17:25:00.001+08:00

I could get used to this.

2009-09-20T00:00:00.016+08:00

sunday, 20.09.09
[i'll update again if there's stuff to write about.]

haha. 1 or 2 years back? mad funny.

i think we saw it on the bus, on the way home.

so let's see.

OWM asked me to sajiao the other night.

i really wanted to but it wouldn't come out.

it's official. i can't sajiao-on-demand any longer. OHNO.

or maybe i still can. in some so-very-rare situations?

you should have known me earlier.

you would have asked me to shut up coz i sajiao-ed way too often,

way too much, then.

but there's nobody who can prove it to you,

coz you know none of my jc friends or tongzhi. AWW.

HAHA.

p.s. lester doesn't count as a jc friend who can prove it.

i don't even remember one occasion where i attempted to really, physically,

sajiao to/in front of him.

i don't dare to luhh. he would probably slap me. HAHA.

so the closest you can get to hearing me sajiao,

was when you called me while i was sleeping,

and i answered your phonecall. (:

was at ngeeanncity the other day

and there was this mooncake fair.

mooncake festival's coming. (:

i wanna go to the fair before it ends, hopefully.

+ i have 20% discount vouchers for haagen dazs.

courtesy of my bwax therapist. (:

have i ever said that i like grocery-shopping?

it's something that i think is quite enjoyable. (:

the best times are either in the early mornings,

or late at night. i love those times of the day.

better still if the marts are open 24/7.

i realised that the iphone doesn't store new contacts

into my sim card memory.

so microsoft word will be my partner as long as i have my iphone.

i'm not downloading any game applications.

just some basics.

i'm so afraid my phone will throw tantrums at me once again.

`but every now and then, you cross my mind.
and i try not to think of where you are tonight.

2009-09-19T21:07:00.001+08:00

sushi cravings. ):

2009-09-19T21:04:00.008+08:00

hello.

i'm back from wherever i went to.

went to mustafa with the parents after that, for a while,

coz they wanted to go over to city square mall.

i'm such a noob that it was my FIRST time at mustafa,

after 18+years of my life.

sick. i'm turning 19 so soon.

but i think i like it. (:

this is what i saw at mustafa.

playboy eau de toilette. that's quite cute.

i don't know if they were nice, coz they didn't have those -

what-do-you-call-them? - strips of paper for me to spray it on.

but i still prefer my annasui fragrances.

had cravings for ddeokbokki at 4.20am this morning. ):

stir-fried rice cake with gochujang sauce.

i'm so sleepy now, i have to shower and go to bed.

for a nap.

goodnight.

attendance: 89.71%.

time to pull my socks up and get the engine started. (:

[... in drafts folder.

i decided to delete it. (:]

i just thought of something that is so stupid,

yet ha-ha at the same time.

idk if i should feel happy that you bother to

and idk how long ago.

5.30am wakeup time tml.

gotta go book seats.

i so hope i can wake up on time.

wakeup calls are virtually impossible,

just simply because nobody would be waking up earlier than me.

i've been cabbing to church for the past 2 weeks

and it's burning a hole in my pocket.

along with everything else that i have to spend on.

why doesn't my credit card statement load? grr.

`i just wanna lose my sense of self-control,

whenever i'm with you.

2009-09-19T13:04:00.000+08:00

`years later he sees her,

but when he sees her ring,

his words escape,

and he doesn't say he still tastes her kiss.

and she's too scared to say that her child's eyes are his.

imagine the scene. doesn't it make you want to cry?

`after the lust and fame,

his heart still beats to the sound of her name.

2009-09-19T03:49:00.002+08:00

i've decided that i'll post entries on fridays.

thursday, 17.09.09 -

i just googled how to reject phonecalls on my phone.

important function. coz of calls that i don't feel like answering,

or nonsense phonecalls.

i'm amazed at why i didn't want to answer *'s call,

even though * called several times.

and now i need to google and see if i can delete single call entries.

i think it's impossible.

i'm still not really a fan of the iphone,

but i like my macbook. (:

[entry for thursday continued below.]

wednesday, 16.09.09

latest addition to my wardrobe.

why do i gain excess fats on places that i don't want?

hello, the fats should go to my boobs but they aren't. TSK.

they go to my tummy, my arms, my thighs,

my butt, my hips, everywhere else,

just NOT my boobs.

my body just don't and refuses to distribute the fats properly. double-tsk.

postsecret.com [twitter]

- "i believe if my 'fat' friends were 'skinny', they wouldn't be as nice."

- "when i moved into college this year, i found little love notes from my mom in all of my bags and suitcases."

- "whenever i pour myself milk, i check the expiration date and try to imagine how different my life will be by then."

- "i recently stumbled upon my parents having sex. i was inspired - i hope i'm just as passionate in my 50s."

- "i thought i was broken from my parents' divorce. ten years later, it actually made me stronger and taught me how to love."

`input, output, overload too quick.

looking for, searching for climax to this.

thursday, 17.09.09

webcam-ed with OWM at 12+am. (: this boy makes me smile.

he's the very first person i webcam-ed with, using my mac.

HAHAHA.

and again, he's the first guy in a long time,

to see me completely makeup-less

and with specs. HAHA. though not real life, not face-to-face.

i love 12noon lectures. 8.30am lectures are no good.

i would go clubbing on ladies' night.

for the free lychee martinis.

i feel like having them.

`stay a little longer,

move a little closer,

stay until you forget to leave.

friday, 18.09.09

overslept. so i didn't school in the end.

woke up at 8.30am, when lecture was supposed to start at that time.

sorry to everyone who called me or texted me after 11.30pm yesterday,

all the way to 9am this morning.

i couldn't receive any.

especially to my school khakis!

eyebrow trimming, bwax-ed, comcentre-ed.

maybe i'll love my phone more now.

no kidding. i'm so paranoid over my phone now,

i press the 'back-up' button every 30 minutes.

no driving today coz i didn't feel like it + there wasn't time.

next friday.

and i had to skip cg today as well.

but i taohuey-ed with the girl and the boy. (:

i think i ate too much for dinner. burps.

i played with this really cute small lil girl, who's probably just 3-4years old,

at the busstop while waiting for the 2.

children are so cute. (: i melt when i had to go and she called me jiejie,

to wave byebye to me. (:

i want to do OCIP.

hah. and i fervently didn't want to in the past.

if i had the chance now, i probably would.

i googled about leopards and this very cute dog species that i saw on tv,

months back. papillons? they're so cute. (:

today's on leopards. next week on papillons. (:

leopards. i like leopard prints.

leopards are wild and undomesticated big cats.

but there's something strangely fascinating about them. to me.

the way they hunt, the way they move, the way they look, their eyes.

it's mesmerising. it's spell-binding.

yet, i'm so sure that i won't think so when they tear me apart.

my favourite picture is the one in the upper left-hand corner.

he's majestic-looking, with an air of authority around him.

it pulls at something in my heart when i stare at it.

i have no idea why.

it makes me feel so safe, yet so unsafe. at the same time.

it makes me feel so calm, yet worried. at the same time.

i want to pat it on the head, yet i want to run away. at the same time.

they're scary yet wildly attractive.

and that's a fatal combination.

they suck you in but they're dangerous.

it instills fear, yet continues to draw me in - so deeply.

the pull's so strong,

it's almost hypnotic.

i just feel that leopards are fascinating. and i love leopards -

when they're far away from me, not anywhere near me.

they're dangerous. too dangerous.

i think.

i like how the words "snow leopard" rolls off my tongue.

my mousepad. (:

went down to epicentre@wheelock to get my casing for the phone.

and i saw this. (:

playing around with camera again. this could become addictive.

`3 words. say them and i'm yours.

no. just look at me and i'm yours.

yours. til you don't want me.

2009-09-16T16:36:00.001+08:00

i rule.

wangsiyun hung her iphone THRICE in 30 MINUTES.

the last time was so bad, i couldn't even switch it on.

i even had to call apple technical support,

which i think isn't situated in singapore.

i'm telling you - i rule.

don't argue with me.

nobody can hang their iphone that many times within 30minutes.

i should have a guinness world record under my name.

technology-idiot. that's why the iphone and me don't match.

`and please try to not ask me about the things that i type here,

unless you're one of the 4 below.

tongzhi, OWM, cutiepie and leopard boy.

they're the few that cross my mind right now.

there may be more. but for now, it's those 4.

i'm sorry.

they are the only 4 that i'll ever cry in front of, for now.

i k t y w n i i t.

b i j s a t o p.

i k b i s s i o p.

`doesn't matter when you call me at night.

i'll be there, i'll be there all the time.

2009-09-16T00:00:00.001+08:00

goodbye.

i think i'll probably do weekly updates.

i feel as though i'm blogging too much.

2009-09-15T22:34:00.001+08:00

WTF IS WRONG WITH ME?

I'M FEELING F-ING JEALOUS AGAIN.

WHEN IT IS F-ING NOTHING AT ALL.

I MUST STOP THIS. I MUST.

RIGHT NOW. this instant.

AND NEVER EVER LET IT SURFACE AGAIN.

NEVER.

it unexpectedly changed from ... to this. WTF.

both of it is equally bad. no. this is worse. just slap me.

DAMN. I'M GOING TO SLEEP.

SLEEP. NOW.

OH. ~~fuck.~~
i'm just pissed at myself.

90210:

"because if i don't have another guy to focus on,

then all i can think of is liam."

"i thought you were over him."

"yeah. well, i'm not.

i really wish i were, but i'm not."

"why didn't you tell us?"

"cause i should be over him. because he cheated on me

then moved to another fricking state.

but if i don't have someone else to distract me 24/7,

then my mind just goes right back to him,

and all i can think about is liam, liam, liam, liam, liam."

2009-09-15T05:09:00.002+08:00

sleeping-time.

at 5.09am (:

i think i need to get out more

to understand the word "handsome". haha.

nights. (:

typing is good.

typing relieves stress.

2009-09-15T02:26:00.005+08:00

[edit]

3.11am is not a good time to still be awake.

feelings magnify at this time.

我的心好痛, 好痛, 好痛.

i want to cry but it seems as though my tears have all dried up.

it hurts because i don't know your past.

it hurts because i was never a part of your past

that i so badly wanted to be,

neither will i ever be in your future.

in fact, i know that the possibility of me

completely disappearing from your life soon, is very high.

it hurts because i have to pretend it's okay and i'm not _______,

whenever i feel otherwise.

it hurts.

but i can only keep quiet.

`teardrops on my guitar brings back memories.

sometimes, i lie when i say i didn't see, didn't hear, don't know.

especially when it comes to you. i just act blur.

and i bite back whatever i want to say.

even if it's on the tip of my tongue.

i try not to show any emotions outwardly when i'm with you.

it's just an easy way out - to not respond.

or sometimes, it's because i'm not in a position

to respond the way i want to.

and only those closest to me will know that i'm lying about things.

actually, tongzhi is the only one who will really know that i'm lying.

even if i don't say, she knows. in an instant.

it's something that she can read from me.

my tone of voice, my actions or my eyes.

the rest of my girls won't exactly find out if i don't say.

it's like what gf said before.

yes, i have this close group of friends that i hang out with, talk to,

but the one who's closest to me, understands me

and knows almost everything about me,

is tongzhi.

what i do nearly on a daily basis,

hear my random nonsense,

hear my rantings,

hear my laughter. what i haven't done in front of her is to cry.

i don't know who ever saw me cry before though.

perhaps nobody except mummy.

and even she hasn't seen me cry in recent years.

coz ever since we moved here, i have a room to myself.

so crying and everything takes place in my room.

and i'm not embarrassed or shy about what she knows,

or what i tell her.

i just say it out, without even thinking of how i should phrase it.

i can say anything in front of her, even if it's vulgarities.

like how i ranted to tongzhi on the phone on that fateful night,

when i knew about ...,

she told me recently that she knew that i wasn't actually that angry

like how i sounded on the phone.

and it's true, now that i think of it.

i thought i was angry, i thought i was pissed,

but actually i wasn't.

the rage wasn't really in me.

i just felt i had to seem like i'm raging.

maybe i just felt sad. in fact, they thought i was about to cry.

which i wasn't as well. maybe i was numb then.

it was not something that was unexpected from you anyway.

but it's a lil scary how i can't seem to hide anything from tongzhi.

neither do i want to actually. so it's alright.

i let down my guard completely when i'm with her.

i admitted stuff to her that i've never admitted to anybody else before.

and it took me ages to admit it to myself as well.

and up til now, she's still the only one who knows.

okay. maybe it's because with tongzhi, i respond exactly the way i want to.

i don't have to worry if i'm in a position to.

i don't have to worry if it's the correct response.

if i'm angry, i'm angry.

if i'm jealous, i'm jealous.

if i'm sad, i'm sad.

maybe that's the reason why she's the one to really know me.

coz i'm completely myself when i'm with her.

i'm still the little mushroom whom she knew

way back in secondary school.

but i just thankgod for this group of friends that i have by my side.

coz i know if i didn't have them,

life would be alot worse for me. i know.

i wouldn't trade them for the world,

or for any other guy.

it's 4.31am.

[/edit]

i think i've lied to myself long enough about alot of things,

and alot of my feelings.

it's time to be honest to myself.

i said i didn't know what i wanted before,

but now i do. but i can't.

it's funny how memories can never be erased.

it's impossible to forget them.

you may want to, but you won't.

you may pretend as though you have forgotten them,

but it's a lie.

they can be fuzzy and blur.

but you know they're still there, somewhere.

no matter how long time has passed.

and if you search hard enough,

you can clear the mist circling around them.

even more so, when you hear certain songs

that you subconsciously attached to the happenings.

it just comes back to you.

even when you did not intentionally think of it.

a song, a word, a movie, anything at all.

they're like tags attached to whatever happened before.

most of the time, i try to avoid stuff

that make me think back of certain things.

but sometimes, i intentionally touch that wound.

i press it hard.

so i can remember and so i can show myself that i'm capable of recovering.

it's quite sick i know.

but that's what i do.

i no longer run away from things.

i face them to the best that i can.

running away solves no problems.

facing them makes them go away.

most people would say "remember only the happy memories

and forget the ones that hurt."

i think it's quite nonsense.

happy memories are of course wonderful and are worth remembering.

but the memories that hurt are equally worthy

of me remembering them as well.

they serve different purposes with the happy memories.

even if they hurt, there's still a level of happiness in them.

sometimes i rage,

sometimes i'm thankful,

sometimes i'm confused,

sometimes i just utterly breakdown,

sometimes i feel like i don't care.

sometimes i feel protective of myself,

sometimes i feel scared of myself.

i don't know. but i prefer to be thankful.

and i really am.

my heart aches.

it progressed from a sharp pain before, to a dull ache now.

it progressed from steady stream of tears to pooling of tears in my eyes now.

it progressed from lasting the entire night to about 20 minutes now.

it plays over and over again.

especially, my jc years.

the 16-ish, 17-ish me.

i just need to sleep.

`w m i b y a n a e?

coz i'm so sure that anybody else would be so much easier for me.

life can't and won't be smooth-sailing.

but i'm ready to take the world on.

countdown.

it's countdown time.

countdown to byebye and pain.

i'll stop rambling.

coz it's late at 2.26am

and i no longer have any idea of what i'm talking about.

`hush little baby, don't you cry.

2009-09-15T00:29:00.001+08:00

[postsecret.com]

that's what i like to imagine as well.

i hope god will read my heart.

i don't want to gain weight,

but i want bigger boobs.

2009-09-15T00:00:00.000+08:00

[edit]

"I'M VERY POSSESSIVE WHEN IT COMES TO BALLS."

HAHA. 90210-ing now.

"you're married."

"technically, yes. but not in here." *points to heart.*

JERKS.

sweet-talkers aren't really my type of thing.

don't sweet-talk me at every single chance that you get.

i'd rather have somebody who doesn't sweet-talk as much or often,

and is true to me,

than to have somebody who spouts honey-coated words so very often,

but ends up being an ass.

yay. i love my friends.

he msn-ed me to ask me if i was okay

since i skipped so many POA lessons previously.

and we're probably going to try to study together for POA.

i so need POA help. i know nuts about it.

and he's going to make a copy for me when he does his revision.

yay for him. haha. (:

i have approximately 7 months and 2 weeks before my exam.

april 2010. tongzhi was like "HUH?" when i told her.

haha. they're gonna have their mid-sem papers soon.

then after i settle POA, i should go on to PBF.

i'm so going to school this wednesday.

anyway, i'm thinking if i should cut my hair short.

and if i should go suntanning.

i'm so free, i could probably spend my days at sentosa,

then vivo-WINDOW-shopping.

i need to pop by epicentre to see if i can get something

for my iphone.

i'm paranoid that i'll probably scratch it by being so careless.

i need like a screen protector or a silicon sleeve or something.

not gmask-ing it anymore. decided against it.

[/edit]

hello world.

i napped last night and woke up just to catch get real! on CNA.

it just so happened that i was having my dinner at that time.

it was on marital rape.

and next week's on illegal sex drugs.

anyway, today's one was WTF.

so marital rape cannot be criminalised.

WHY? rape is still rape.

i don't give a damn if you're married or you're not,

and the person you're raping is your wife or not.

like cheating is still cheating.

don't tell me you bloody hell used a condom while cheating,

so it doesn't f-ing count.

go f a blowup doll and then i'll tell you it doesn't count, okay?

anyway, i'll stop digressing.

i went online to search and i signed the petition.

and everybody else should too.

notorape.

aiyah. i'm too tired to continue typing.

but yah, guys are guys.

somehow or another, i don't harbour much hope on that species.

although sometimes i know that i'm lying to myself by saying that.

i still do, to a certain extent.

but it's so much easier to not harbour hope, isn't it?

2009-09-14T15:16:00.000+08:00

ohman.

i'm pissed.

apparently the NEW ipod nano come with video recording function.

i can't believe it.

DAMN. i really should have waited until this month to get it.

this is the actual month anyway.

i shouldn't have got it back then. TSK.

crazy sad can?!

`is it what i think it is?

i'm confused and i'm scared as to what will happen

if i guessed correctly.

but you know what, my instincts and sixth sense aren't correct

most of the times, in recent times,

and i'm so very dumb in situations like those,

so i probably am not guessing correctly.

but i can only hope. coz there's no way for me to verify it.

unknowns are killing me. but not everything can be clear, can it?

wangsiyun, do not, do not be like this.

coz you know you won't and don't like yourself this way.

stop guessing, stop thinking, stop everything.

2009-09-14T12:37:00.000+08:00

played around with my camera.

i think this picture looks as if i'm in a dingy motel.

HAHA.

grocery-shopping.

i've run out of my whisper non-wing pads.

oh and btw, i don't think i'm bothering to change the font-size anymore.

it seems as though they don't allow me to.

wait til i figure out how do i do it. (:

2009-09-14T11:31:00.000+08:00

read ~'s blog.

i think i went through that thing that she went through before.

but i'm out of it already.

thanks to god + my girls.

idk if i played a part in letting myself get out of that,

but i actually highly doubt so.

you know, everytime i read her blog,

i understand what she's taking about.

it won't be 100%, but i sorta understand what she wants

and what she thinks.

but i don't actually know her.

we're acquaintances through and through.

and i don't think i'll ever know her that well.

i could very well drop back to how i lived my life previously again,

if i wished to. it was just a few months back anyway.

i'm not all that a stranger to it yet. it still reeks of familiarity.

but i don't think i want it for now.

i like the way things are now, in my life.

you could say it was good back then,

but i think i want something better in my life.

i'm turning 19 in 3 months. no, it's not a hint.

but 19 feels old. okay. i'm not 20 yet. but soon.

time flies so don't tell me there's a year more.

it's time to be mature and to think about things that i didn't before.

goals and aims change as we grow up, don't they?

and i find my goals and aims changing a whole lot during the past few months.

and of course, my thinking as well.

although some things, just never change. and i know exactly what they are.

i don't want to change them, just because i don't want to.

i want to keep that part of me. just for now. for this period of time.

i need to put in more effort to stay at home.

i don't think my parents are that happy about

me going out before they're awake

and coming home after they go to sleep.

but i think it's because they sleep a lil too early.

`i wish i could have god's crystal ball.

i want to see what's in store for me. what's my future like?

what tml holds, how next week is like? a few years down the road?

it's easy to lose sight of what i want in my life.

it's so easy to lose sight of it that i have to constantly remind myself

of how i want my life to turn out.

it's so easy to lose sight of it that i try to stay out of trouble.

but like i said, some things never change.

i know what i don't want to change.

have to leave the house now. ciao. (:

11.41am.

i just received a call from reds.

my hairstylist has an early birth.

this is so wonderful.

she would be back next year.

OMG please. my hair is a complete mess.

but i pray that she has an easy birth though. (:

i've known her ever since lower secondary.

i don't want to go to other hairstylists.

so i guess i just have to trim my fringe on my own

and bear with my unkempt hair til next year.

i'll go and trim my eyebrows on friday then.

or i would have to go out specially for that.

so today becomes a free day,

and i'm ps-ing the rest tml too. sorry!

i need to get my assignments done, though marks aren't counted.

and some revision, if possible.

i haven't read a single page of my lecture notes at home,

ever since school started.

2 full days at home for this week.

2009-09-14T04:11:00.000+08:00

somebody tell me what i'm still doing online.

i should be pouring through the never-ending pile of lecture notes.

and my assignments.

+ this is my 4th post for the day.

i must be too free.

this is how i while my time away when i'm at home.

going for a shower. then pack my messy room.

then nap. then study.

hopefully i won't have to burn the midnight oil.

it's weird but every single thing that happened during the past week,

or even yesterday, suddenly feels like a dream to me.

it happened, but it feels as though it didn't.

gotta book my bwax appointment for friday.

ciao.

2009-09-13T23:41:00.000+08:00

hello.
tongzhi says i have turned into an overnight apple fan.
i think so too.
macbook pro is the latest addition to my apple family.
ipod classic, iphone 3gs and macbook pro.
i gave up my baby ipod for adoption though.
but i think it is in quite-good hands right now. i hope.
i wouldn't know for sure actually. haven't visited it for ages.

but this new lappie of mine still needs some getting-used to.
and oh, i'm paying 3/4 of it using my primary school savings.
i seriously wish that i could say i have secondary school
or jc savings. but really, i don't.
i'm trying to have university savings though.
but so far, it isn't really working according to plan.

bye.
coz i still need to figure out some stuff that i'm so blur about
for this lappie.

i don't get it at all.
damn difficult. can i even maximise the windows?!
i'm like looking at this small lil tiny window typing now. damn.
but i can webcam now. yay-ness. (:
msn conversations won't just be words anymore. HAHAHA. (:

`i read other people's blog and i find it damn confusing.
when i read my own past entries, i also find it damn confusing.
although yes, i still remember what exactly i'm typing about.

then i wonder if whoever * is talking about in her blog,
is who i think it is.
there's always a possibility, you know.
possibilities are never 0%.
just because of the simple reason that they are categorised under POSSIBILITIES.
then if it is about that person, i'll be bloody jealous.

2009-09-13T02:26:00.000+08:00

This is bad.
I can't stop using ebuddy, twitterific and safari
on my phone.

I forsee that this may be a huge distracion in future lectures.

2009-09-12T23:32:00.000+08:00

Blogging from phone again
coz I think I'd be too tired to go online later on.
It's been a relatively okay week for me,
except the fact that I've been feeling
a tad more lethargic than usual.

So I'm going to be nice and go home early today.
Shower and slip under my covers.
Then church tml & comex fair to check out the MacBook. (:

Dinner today w tongzhi was love. (:

hmm. A y j b h t s i j, o a u h t i a j?
Nights, world. (:

2009-09-11T22:09:00.000+08:00

I've typed it out ~~but I don't know if I shld send it out. How?~~ sent. [10.47pm]
When you see my posts in long sentences & in short form, it prob means that I'm blogging using my phone,
and am too lazy to break the sentences down properly.

2009-09-11T19:44:00.000+08:00

i'm currently sitting at home,
but i'm using my iphone to try to do this.

i have assignments to do!! GASPS.
maths - by 18.09.09.
econs - by 17.09.09.

okay. i'm just exaggerating.
maths assignment - 4 questions.
and i've already done 3 questions. (:

econs assignment consists of two questions.

yay. i finally have some homework to do.
HAHAHA. i think i'm agitating the rest of you.
jiayou and finish your tutorials! we'll meet up soon!
LOVES. (:

i can't believe i actually have an iphone.
no. not because of the hype or anything like that.
it's just that... i have never thought i would actually get an iphone.
i never wanted an iphone or never thought of even wanting one.
but hmm, i guess i'll try it out. (:

and tongzhi says that the white iphone is pretty. HAHA. (:

2009-09-11T00:00:00.000+08:00

average attendance (as at 10.09.09): 92.25%.

i wanna get my dad a wallet.
i was just slacking around in the hall 2 nights ago,
when i asked him for his ic for the iphone delivery thing.
and i saw that he's using this really small, idk, card holder? to stuff
his money and cards in it.
i asked him where's his wallet and he said in his bag.
naturally, i asked what was his wallet doing in his bag
when he's stuffing money and cards into that card-holder.
and lo-and-behold, his wallet is chui.
okayy. his birthday isn't anywhere near. it's in november.
but i shall go round looking and getting a nice wallet for him.
you know how guys are. so i'm going to do the walking&looking-around for him.
and yes, i'm getting it for him. i hope i can get a nice one.
i still have savings in my uob account and that can be the fund for his wallet. (:
i'm realising the importance of having
at least an amount of a few hundred as savings,
even if i really can't manage to save too much,
so i can spring surprises on those that i love every now and then. (:

wah. i just updated to the latest itunes version.
i think i prefer the previous skin.
now, it just looks kinda white and silver-ish.
no warm feeling. i'm not used to it.
it's looks high-tech. i don't really like the look of it.
it looks cold and unfriendly.

i've gotta get my ass over to suntec for comex 2009.
some IT fair. it ends on sunday.
coz i wanna see if there are good promotions/discounts for the macbook.
compared with prices in school and online. i wanna try to get the best deal.
but the problem is, there's no time. ):
maybe on sunday then.

i finished this book. (:
chick lit. really rubbish. haha.

really need to sleep now.
was so tired that i slept for the entire bus journey home.
there's something about bus rides that make me feel drowsy and sleepy.
but i like it that way. (:
sorry i neglected you and didn't talk!
i was way too sleepy. ):

glitter in the air
have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
have you ever looked fear in the face
and said i just don't care?

it's only half past the point of no return
the tip of the iceberg, the sun before the burn
the thunder before the lightning,
the breath before the phrase
have you ever felt this way?

have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
your whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

it's only half past the point of oblivion
the hourglass on the table, the walk before the run
the breath before the kiss
and the fear before the flames
have you ever felt this way?

la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

there you are, sitting in the garden
clutching my coffee, calling me sugar
you called me sugar

have you ever wished for an endless night?
lassoed the moon and the stars
and pulled that rope tight
have you ever held your breath and asked yourself
will it ever get better than tonight? tonight.

2009-09-10T00:11:00.000+08:00

i feel like clubbing.
but i won't.

my lunch for yesterday.
a bowl of porridge + 4.5 chicken drumlets + 5 red dates.
+ half a tablespoon of chocolate chips + 650ml of water.
that's quite alot, isn't it?!

dinner yesterday.
mushroom minced pork noodle + a bowl of taohuey.

i'm hungry again.
at 12.11am.
arrgh. forget it. it's too late for food.
have school tml. 12noon econs lecture.
i'll wake up early to eat then.
i don't even dare to go to the kitchen and open the fridge now.
mummy will start "you're hungry, is it? okay. sit down. i cook noodles for you."
and she'll practically force it down my throat.

i ordered my iphone yesterday.
and i told OWM that i feel as though i'm going to start an affair.
coz the bb was originally what i wanted.
but now, i'm going to get the iphone. should i gmask it? or zhng it or something?
ohh, but i'm starting to love the iphone already.
after i've browsed through a few of the apps.
i'm going to dl really ridiculous and rubbish apps on friday night.
i'll probably take all night to browse through the apps.
it's coming on friday morning.
mummy will be at home to receive it. (:
friday - 8.30am maths lecture, then it's driving at 1pm-3pm,
home, then OWM and cutiepie may possibly be coming over?
I'M FINALLY GOING FOR MY DRIVING LESSONS, again.
stop scolding me when you see me, all of you! HAHA. (:
haven't drove for at least 2-3 weeks. i hope i'm not rusty yet.
but i'll be so excited to come home to my iphone
that i'll probably unknowingly accelerate.
i hope my driving instructor won't think i'm trying to kill him again.
he says that everytime i go.
i suspects he holds on tight to the you-know hand thing at the side of the door?
he, sometimes, really looks kinda freaked-out whenever i'm at the wheel.
I ADMIT. I'M THE TYPICAL FEMALE DRIVER
WHO ALMOST EVERY MALE
THINKS THAT WE DRIVE BADLY.
you know the "wahlao. drive so badly. sure female." type of guys?!
but it's only me okay? the rest of my girls can drive properly.
oh. but i have NO PROBLEM with speed.
i hate driving slowly.
if i could, i would floor the accelerator.
driving slowly makes me feel like sleeping a lil.
i need a straight empty road
that goes on and on and on.
but oh, my engine doesn't stall as well. HAHA.
just that i seem to be crashing into other cars
or driving up the curb, THAT'S ALL. (:
sit my car when i pass. you'll know what i mean.
it isn't all that scary actually.
i'm still alive. so you know what it means.
you'll be alive as my car passenger too. (:
it only SEEMS as though i'm crashing,
but really, i'm not. (: don't be worried. HAHA. (:

ohh. iphoneiphoneiphone.
i should act all cheena and give my iphone a name.
i'm only excited for the rubbish apps i'm going to dl,
and the messages that appear in the chat form.
i don't have to jump between the inbox and sent folder anymore,
when i can't remember what the rest said and what i sent,
which happens every-so-often.
i'm not too psyched-up over the huge size though.
they should have a mini iphone! i'll buy that in an instant.

luckily i bought it online yesterday.
my 16gb white iphone is oos already!

ohh! tongzhi, i'm getting the iphone
but i can't change my plan just yet.
i need to wait til 17.10.
coz i haven't had my samsung phone for a year yet.
i'll zoom down to singtel on the 17th
to change my plan straightaway okay?
so just bear with my laoya plan for another month! (:
i know you hate my current plan so much. HAHA.
then i'll flood you with phonecalls and text messages,
so you won't say i don't reply your messages! HAHA. (:
and you know how long i can type and talk on the phone.
so be prepared!! HAHAHA. (:
loveya. (:
see you on saturday! i can't wait! (: miss you LOTS okay?! ):
okayy. i shan't be all mushy here.
i'll leave it for saturday evening! HAHAHA. (:
MUACKS. HAHAHAHAHAHA. (:

[postsecret.com]
"Dear Mom, I'm hiding skanky lingerie in my car to use
when I get to college!
Love, your innocent daughter."

"Dear innocent daughter: I've been stocking up on skanky lingerie
to use while you're in college too."

HAHA.

conversation with tongzhi the other night.
okay. our english is damn bad. not proper at all. don't learn.
"why message her cannot reply, call then she will pick up?"
"eh, i don't know eh."
"yah laa. i also can don't answer your phone call lorr.
i can pretend i didn't see your missed call and don't call you back lorr."
"you dare! okay lorr. you dare then you don't call me back lorr!"
"eeyer, i don't dare laa. i see tongzhi then i faster call you back already.
haven't even shower yet."
"HAHAHAHA."

"why your phone plan like that?! no free incoming calls,
so little free messages! you think you primary school kid ar?!
what type of plan lorr?! i know you for so long, you still using the same plan.
go and change!"
"no what. i must buy a phone then i can change my plan what."
"then buy a phone!"

red-tongzhi; pink-me.
crazy funny. i couldn't stop laughing. HAHAHA. (:

`my lips like sugar.

crystal ball
drinking wine and thinking bliss is on the other side of this
i just need a compass and a willing accomplice
all my doubts that fill my head are
skidding up and down again
up and down and 'round again, down and up
and 'round again

oh, i've had my chances and i've taken them all
just to end up right back here on the floor
to end up right back here on the floor

pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
~~fortune teller that says maybe you will go to hell~~
~~but i'm not scared at all~~
the cracks in the crystal, the cracks in the crystal ball

sometimes you think everything
is wrapped inside a diamond ring
love just needs a witness and a little forgiveness
and a halo of patience and a less sporadic pace
and i'm learning to be brave in my beautiful mistakes

oh, i've felt that fire and i, i've been burned
but i wouldn't trade the pain for what i've learnt
i wouldn't trade the pain for what i've learnt

irony, irony, this hate and love, hate and love
what it does to me? what it does to me?

what is done, is done?

pennies in a well, a million dollars in the fountain of a hotel
~~broken mirrors and a black cat's cold stare~~
~~walk under ladders on my way to hell, i'll meet you there~~
~~but i'm not scared at all, i'm not scared at all~~
'bout the cracks in the crystal,
the cracks in the crystal ball

2009-09-09T12:46:00.000+08:00

right. mummy's angry.
i think she's going to give me an ultimatum soon.
she wants me to eat.
it isn't that i'm not eating. but i'm guess i'm not eating much.
she wants me to eat more than what i'm eating now.
i, sometimes, go through the day with just a meal or max, 1.5 meals.
and if i eat it at home, i eat like half a bowl of rice or something like that.
it's either that i have to rush to somewhere and have no time to eat,
or just that coincidentally when i'm free, i don't feel hungry.
and when i do, it's already 2/3am in the morning
and i'm trying not to eat at that time.

mummy believes that my cramps result from me not eating enough,
so my body doesn't have enough nutrients.
i used to have cramps, bad cramps every month in the past,
when i ate less too.
i ever went to kkhospital just to get a jab to stop me from puking
so i could keep my medicine down.
and it's the same this time.
maybe it really is the cause of it.
i forced myself to eat 2 slices of bread and a tablespoonful of chocolate chips
last night at 2am.
and before that, i drank a cup of cereal at 12am.
coz i could feel the cramps coming.

at 1am, i puked like crazy.
non-stop puking for an hour. kneeling in front of the toilet bowl.
after everything, i felt so weak i thought i was about to faint.
i could barely make it from the toilet to my room.
and i was the palest i've ever been, i think.
no. not a good feeling. not a good feeling at all.

my current weight.
i could possibly push it down to below 40kg, if i tried to.
was 43.5kg before. and about 1/2 weeks before, i was 41.5kg.
but my fat content increased from 1/2 weeks before.
19.7% then - 22.9% now?

then vs. now. look at the '-' sign jump to 'o'.
minus to normal.

anyway, i'm not in school now.
but tongzhi, it's coz of my cramps the night before.
it isn't that i pon-ed! i wanted to go today!

movie yesterday.
really boring.
the 2nd shot was supposed to be the main characters finally kissing.
but my phone lag.
haha.

right. porridge and chicken time.
i better go and swallow them down.
or she will nag at me again when she's back.
ciao.

[edit]

this is what she just messaged me.
it means i have until 3pm to eat my lunch.
2 more hours to go.
i really have to go get it in my stomach now.
[/edit]

[thingsweforget]

i want to be like this tortoise.
tickle me on my underside, please.

2009-09-09T12:11:00.000+08:00

[08.09.09]
happy 16th birthday cutiepie!!! (:
the yellow is SOOOOOO blinding. haha. (:
hmm. actually i've said everything i wanted to say
in the note that i gave you on sunday already.
HAHA.
but still, love ya and ohoh!
i know what to add.
let's hang out at your house playground more often,
and yahhh. you know. HAHA. (:
okayy laa. you guys can come over to my house sometime. (:
LOVE YA. and happy birthday!
sorry for typing the numbers wrongly in the text!! (:

2009-09-09T12:10:00.000+08:00

before i slept last night,
i asked god 2 questions that i had in me.
and i randomly flipped the bible open.
i have no idea if i'm supposed to ask questions like that
and randomly flip to a page and try looking for answers
from the page that i flipped to.
but that is what i do.

for the first question,
i flipped to song of songs.
i don't know if the answer that i think he's giving me,
is really the answer that he is giving me.
it seemed to be a mixture. it's complicated. maybe it's a progression? idk.
i told him i don't like riddles,
so i hope that he would give me an answer that is easy enough for me to comprehend.
i guess song of songs is the easiest answer that he can show and give me
for that question of mine.
then is the answer that i think you're giving me,
really the answer that you're giving me?
or am i misunderstanding the answer given?

and then part of isaiah.
maybe he really knows how i feel, does he?
or am i thinking too much
and it just happens to be a coincidence?
anyway, this isn't the third time thing that i said before.
i'm still waiting. but i'm scared.

for the second question,
i flipped to psalms.
again, i have no idea if i'm thinking correctly.
or it's completely wrong and i made a wrong guess.

but if both the answers are what he wants me to know, see and understand,
then i'll try my very best. (:
although i get a lil afraid at times.
but i'll be okay. coz i'm a child of god.
haha. the "i'm a child of god" is taken from the song below.

`still standing on my two feet,
coz i'm a child of god.

still standing
mama always told me
baby, you gotta walk by faith
and not by sight
real talk, you gotta listen
oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, ooh, yeah

oh, listen to me now, i'm gonna say it loud
so you won't be confused about what we talking about
i've been through the storm, had dirt on my name
i'm still holding on, champion of the game
(they said)

whatever don't kill you, make you stronger
well, i must be the world's strongest woman
see i've done, done a whole lotta growing
everything you say, i'm already knowing
'cause i

i've been up against the ropes
everything you're going through
i've been there before, seen them all come
and i've seen them all go

you can bet your last that
my head won't hit the floor, never
and i'm still standing, standing, standing, standing
i'm still standing, standing, standing, standing

i had a lover take his own in front of me
i asked god, why is this happening to me?
but i didn't fold, i held my own
and now i'm deep in love with who i belong
(this is my life)

they say with age comes wisdom
and the white flag, i can't give 'em
trying to tell you how it's supposed to be
see, this is more than just a song to me
'cause i

i'm unbreakable, baby
luda, yeah, it's a family affair
i may have done things they say i did
but i'm not who they say i am

try to throw my name in the dirt
but i really don't give a damn
i'm still standing like the statue of liberty
and i put my name in the history books
so you'll forever remember me

remember me as the toughest warrior
or the ultimate fighter
'cause i'm the truth and nothing but
it's like my hands on the bible
and it's the survival of the fittest

the real-est, it's not a facade
still standing on my two feet
'cause i'm a child of god
do something

i let it go, i let god, i let it go, and i let god
don't hate me now
i ain't who i used to be no more

i'm still standing, i'm still standing
i'm still standing, oh, i'm still standing
i'm still standing, you can't take this joy away

2009-09-08T19:43:00.000+08:00

*disclaimer: the word 'f' doesn't mean anything.
there's a whole lot of words starting with the letter 'f' in the world.
you can even make one up yourself.
i'm just angry with myself.*

f.
i'm feeling freaking jealous
when i shouldn't be.
have no right to be.
but i really am.
i really am feeling so jealous right now.

over something really really so stupid.
so stupid that if i wasn't feeling jealous right now,
i would be laughing at myself so hard,
i would need an oxygen mask.

and i damn-it felt the same thing the other day too,
just recent days,
when ...
damn it.
it's over something really really stupid as well.
but i damn-it felt it. it came out of the blue.
the moment i saw ...
i couldn't even prepare myself for it
coz i didn't realise i would feel it.
i instantly silently admonished myself when i felt it.
f. i hate it when i'm like that.

i hate it when i have feelings
i shouldn't be having.
it makes me feel like i'm out of control
and like i don't understand myself.

i'm going to implement this rule.
to all my close friends whom i tell my stuff too.
rule no.1: say everything that you think,
even if you aren't certain.
okay? and that's what i'll do too.
i feel comfortable with you that's why i tell you my stuff,
so i really want to know what you think about it as well.

`and the conclusion i had last night,
is that i shouldn't expect too much,
even as a friend.
so from now on, i'm going to expect NOTHING.
NOTHING AT ALL. zilch. zero. naught. nil.

and that not everybody will be like me.
things that i can say/do easily,
may not be as easy for others to do/say.
i have to try to understand that we all have different
personalities and characters.

yes. that's it. that's the answer to some question/matter.
but the answer to the other question/matter? i haven't found it yet.
trying. but don't know if i will.

2009-09-08T17:06:00.000+08:00

i want a brown-haired boy.
nope. it's just that i'm listening to the song - brown-haired boy.
so i just want one now. this instant.
although i'm not really a brown-haired girl any longer.
i think my hair's black.
but sad to say, no brown-haired boy comes to mind.
in fact, neither do any boy.
okay. i'm lying.

movie-d.
i love you, beth cooper.
is it me or was it way too chickflick?
everybody else in the theatre was laughing at various scenes.
it was funny for me for like 3 seconds for the first scene,
then it got draggy.
then the scenes didn't seem to tickle me anymore.
it was HA-HA-ness.
maybe i've grown out of chickflicks.
i practically felt like sleeping throughout the second half of the movie.

gotta take a quick nap before i go for dinner.
crazy sleepy. ): i slept for the entire bus journey home.
sleeping at 5am consecutively for 2 days is a very bad choice.

there's damn-it morning 8.30am lecture tml as well.

HOW? ): i really must go already.

haven't gone for 3 weeks.

i hope i really will go.

`i only want saturdays, sundays,
mondays and tuesdays.

you know how i, always, hear stuff like
let god handle it and don't try to solve things by your own strength.
when i was 17 years old,
i would have GLADLY done that.
i wouldn't argue over it, wouldn't breathe a word about it.
i wouldn't need to think too much, worry about things,
worry about this and that, try to solve problems by myself.
there would be somebody to do that, to take over that role.
i probably won't even need to lift a finger and there's somebody to rely on.
but now when i'm 18, turning 19,
i realised that i can't lift my problems up to him,
and forget all about it.
it isn't that i don't trust that he can settle my problems
and take away my worries,
and simplify whatever nonsense i'm going through.
but if i put it in another way,
you're just asking me to sit down and do NOTHING
about my situation?
not even try to do something that i can possibly do to solve it?!
NOTHING at all?!
i just can't. i HAVE to do something.
even if whatever i do next may screw up everything all over again
and makes things worse.
but there's also a possibility of everything being solved by what i do next,
isn't it?
i have a 50-50 chance.
eh, idk what i'm talking about anymore.
but you get the idea, right?
somewhere along this line.

aiyah. f. whatever.
certain words, when i happen to chance upon them on cerain people's blogs,
pisses me off so badly, my mood can change in an instant.
then i decide to do the best thing i can do.
close that tab.
so why do i even go to their blogs, right?
IDK. it pains me but i still do it. coz i wanna know.
i think maybe i can accept BDSM sooner or later,
by the rate i'm torturing myself by going to their blogs. wth.
but it's just this ONE blog for now.

2009-09-08T01:59:00.000+08:00

Becks says:
HAHAHA, i like ur display pic
so innocent

gf's referring to my specs pictures in yesterday's post.
put one of them as my dp picture for msn.
i sorta like myself like that too. HAHA.

may '09. with coloured and highlighted hair.
eh, i miss my coloured hair a lil tiny bit.
just a lil. like 0.000001%.

i was considering uploading the "me-putting-on-makeup-for-wedding" video,
taken at end of may.
but i decided against it.

sleepy. and thirsty.
just ended a 2hours long phonecall with tongzhi. (:
but she has school tml and i'm feeling A LIL guilty that i snapped up her zzz-time. ):
just a tad lil guilty. HAHAHA. =P

and i was honest to her.
she's the first person that i uttered those 3 words to.
stop guessing what are those words. coz only tongzhi knows.
no. not "iloveyou", "iamsorry.".
there are alot of other 3-words in the world.
but it's something that i've been saying the complete opposite of.
stereotypes stopped me from ever saying them.
i very nearly stopped myself from saying it tonight as well.
but i still did.
if i can't say what i feel to tongzhi,
how can i ever be true to myself
and say it to anybody else?

being completely honest about my feelings
and being brave enough to verbalise them
is something i have to learn.
i still haven't fully acquired the skill yet.

but it's true.
if i can call people "dear", "baby", other endearments so easily,
it doesn't mean that everybody is the same and can do it.
if i can write letters and churn out paragraphs after paragraphs,
it doesn't mean that others can as well.
everybody is wired differently.
just like how some people can say or ask some questions so easily,
but when it comes to me,
i want to say or ask so very much,
but i can't or don't.

gotta wake up a lil earlier tml.
got a movie date - i love you, beth cooper. (:
chickflick. hope it will be entertaining. (:

you're right.
it isn't a good idea.
why did i even think it was a good idea?!
thankgoodness i didn't do it.

okay.
rule no.1: say things when i want to say them -
what i think, what i feel.
rule no.2: do not be afraid to verbalise them -
just say it.
don't be shy, don't be embarassed, don't be afraid.

2009-09-08T01:58:00.000+08:00

[postsecret.com]

that's what i think and tell myself too. (:
though i may act and appear otherwise at times.
and because of everything, i met some other people as well. (:

nope. divorce won't be the best answer, would it?

damn sad.

i want 2 free victoria's secret undies too!

"selfconscious of my big butt...

& sometimes i'll blame my problems on it.

& sometimes i'll joke about it.

but on a good day, i'll cherish it, cuz what the hell?"

"as a christian, i knew i shouldn't buy this post card

while i was visiting bulgaria,

but as a stamp collector i couldn't resist -

i did notice the stamps before i realized

they were attached to a booty."

[thingsweforget]

2009-09-07T23:36:00.002+08:00

yes. i look bloody stupid. i know.
specs + no m/u at all.
but it's alright laa.
you can rapidly scroll down if you want to. (:
CUTIEPIE! i'm bra-less in the picture. damn it.
HAHAHA. tell me who's hot now. HAHAHA. =/
AND I'M NOT HORNY AT 3PM IN THE AFTERNOON.
i just want to sit down and study. (:

just woke up 2 hours ago.
with a sore throat. best.
down-ing water like CRAZY now.
i'm gonna be bloated like anything later.
it's a monday.
monday, tuesday.
wednesday, thursday, friday.
saturday, sunday.

POA, POA, HERE I COME.
HUG AND KISS ME.

if it's happens a third time,
i believe it isn't a coincidence.

but seriously, to tell the truth,
i don't think my third time will happen.
it must be a miracle for it to happen.

`hiccup.

2009-09-07T19:46:00.000+08:00

"just like a star across my sky,
just like an angel of the page,
you have appeared to my life.
feel like i'll never be the same,
just like a song in my heart,
just like oil on my hands.
ok... i do love you..."

i feel like crying when i read this.

weak me.

[6.30pm]
reading 8 days.

THE ANNOYING LIST:
no. 5: housemates who spray their pee everywhere.
hello, do you have a penis or a shower head?
i haha-ed when i read this.

no. 23: the vulture.
meet the guy who hits on every girl he comes into contact with.
F, YES. ANNOYING. LOTS.

no. 25: expressive gym rats.
attention-seeking men, or worse, women, who grunt loudly
in the gym while pumping iron.
just get a room already.
another haha one.

no.40: people who send you sex toys,
invitations to battle their vampires or
play poker with them on facebook.
wah. facebook has sex toys thingy to send? i didn't know.
that's how noob i am with facebook.

2009-09-07T18:08:00.000+08:00

this song suits who i was. a long while back. hah.

everybody struggles with something.

i believe you now coz of yesterday.
when * said that sentence when i replied his question.
what you said was true.
i admit i had my suspicions when you told me but now i believe you.
i didn't really trust you before.
i took whatever you said with a pinch of salt.
i told myself that i may have a possibility to hear the things that i told you,
from others. coz my mind told me you weren't all that nice,
yet my heart believed and felt that you were actually better than that.
torn. i didn't know which to believe. reality or intuition/feelings?
i think i'll learn to believe you for other things as well,
very soon.

split personality
i do not trust, so i cannot love (can no man be trusted?)
oh no, no, no and i would not dare to open up
(this life of yours is dusted pink)

well my rent's passed due
and now my car won't start, i hate the bus
(well aren't you glad you have somebody to talk to?)

tell me what do they see when they look at me?
do they see my many personalities? oh no

can you help me? does anybody hear me?
can they even see me? this is my reality, oh oh
(can it be my turn now? is it my turn, pink?)

say i'll say it again you're my only friend
(i protect you from the world, i basically protect you from yourself)
though i can't go on, i'm not satisfied with this being the end
(this is just the beginning)

tell me why can't i just reach up and simply touch the sky?
tell me why can't i spread my arms and fly and fly and fly?
tell me why can't i say this why can't i do that?
tell me what do they want from me? tell me how to act

so i'm putting it all on the table (tell 'em pink)
you don't know me well enough to label me
sick or even disturbed
when you break it down, i'm just two girls

trying to blend, trying to vibe (i'm trying)
trying to live just one life (it's so hard)
everybody's got insanities, i got a split personality

tell me why can't i just reach up and simply touch the sky? (why can't you?)
tell me why can't i spread my arms and fly and fly and fly? (you can)
tell me why can't i say this why can't i do that? (say, just do it)
tell me what do they want from me? tell me how to act (i can't)

can you help me? does anybody hear me? (i can't, girl i'm listening)
can they even see me? this is my reality, oh oh
can you help me? does anybody hear me? (no no no)
can they even see me? this is my reality, oh oh (no no no)

(why won't you talk to me?)
can you help me? (talk to me don't ignore me)
do you hear me? (i can't take it)

do you see me? oh, it's mine (oh calm down)
it's all mine (it's not that serious)
it's my reality (we'll be just fine without them)

it's just too much for me (forget about them)
oh, oh (you're my friend)
oh (you're my friend)
oh (pink!)
oh (pink!)

2009-09-07T01:27:00.000+08:00

cake-cutting. (:
sorry i went so late and you had to wait. ):
POA-ed.
home-d.
dvd-watching later on.
i realised i haven't watched thelword for so long.
then sleep.
slept for only about 1-1.5hours for the entire night, last night.

and showering just now when i came home feels good.
i didn't shower for approximately 16 hours.

my arms are aching maybe from the arm-wrestling the other night?
and the carrying of my heavy bag + notes.

may post some pictures when claria uploads them.

for now, feel contented with this. HAHA. (:

2009-09-06T07:14:00.000+08:00

back from church.
slept at close to 5.45am last night.
my phone alarm rang at 6am.
i snoozed it, wanting to wake up at 6.30am.
the next time i woke up, it was 7.02am already.

i wasn't kidding, wasn't joking, wasn't being childish.
coz i didn't know ...
i thought it through long and hard before i texted them.
i'm so afraid that if i don't find out soon,
i'll eventually stop going once the change takes place.
that's the reason why i tried hard to search for the answers within me.
that diary-entry had a chance to be posted.

texted 2 people and i truthfully told both of them the reason why.
i was about to text another a lie at a later time.
idk why i decided that i want to lie to one of them,
but told the other 2 the honest truth.
it isn't that i'm not close to the other one,
but i just felt that i had to lie.
but i felt that i could and should tell the 2 the truth.
it's weird, isn't it?
how my brain, thoughts and emotions function.
i'm quite confused by myself sometimes.

surprisingly, or not,
the 2 replies from the 2 whom i texted the truth were so different.
so different in context, so different in tone (perhaps).
one of them gave in to me, the other didn't.
i'm re-reading their replies now.
i feel comforted and feel as though he really understands what i'm saying and feeling
when i read the former reply.
although the latter reply doesn't make me feel as though he really understands,
it makes me think if what he says is really correct and
that i should actually do what he said i should do.
that's the problem with the latter person. all i feel when i communicate with him,
is that maybe he's correct, maybe i should do it this way,
but i don't feel that he actually understands.
the process is as important as the end, isn't it?
if i posted the replies here,
you would see the contrast straightaway.
but i know both of them had my best interests at heart.
*true for the latter? aiyah. forget it. i don't care.*
but yet, in the end, i listened to the latter reply.

[07.09.09 1.19am.
the 2 replies were probably supposed to be more-or-less the same.
but something happened, so the latter reply changed.
it's quite cute what happened so the reply changed.
and i'm learning that it's how he does and say things.]

cabbed to church.
i got out of the cab and was walking towards hall8,
when a korean lady tapped me on the shoulder
and asked me about the activity/event going on in hall8.
we chatted a lil while we walked there.
asked her if she wanted to sit with us.
everybody thought she was my mum. haha.
but actually nope. i just got to know her as well.
and i think she has a cg now as well. (:

me and mummy in august '08.

sometime during vday '08.
i think i look a lil different from that time. WHY?!
and i still had coloured hair + highlights at that time.
it was just 7 months ago.
i remember i went to dxo on vday night itself.

i miss this girl.
cny '09.

nyjc. damn long ago. now i see those pictures, i'm a lil ha-ha.

say hi to all my unglam and stupid photos.
difference in resolution is coz of difference between camera and phone.

there's even more people to miss when the month of october swings by.
i'm scolding myself for being way too sentimental
for almost everything in my life.
i should have said "i wanna ...".
but it's too late already. i had my chance.
forget it.

what if i still can't find the answers by the time september comes to an end?
what decision am i going to make then?

okay. gotta go to claria's house to study POA.
CIAO.

the problems will solve itself, right?
the knots will untie by itself, right?
everything will turn out right
even though it may seem as though it's so very wrong
at this very instant, right?
don't know. but i hope that it's correct.

and it's a secret.
but i pray that ...
coz i ...
but i know it's impossible.
didn't happen in the past, won't happen in the present,
and probably not in the future too.

2009-09-06T05:07:00.000+08:00

it's 5.07am.
and i'm not asleep.
i've composed a text message that i will send to you,
the very second i publish that said post, if i ever.
i've saved the text message to you in my draft folder.

i'm not doing it as a childish act.
i'm doing it for the real reason - idk and i need to answer to myself.

i'm not reverting back to the past,
although i'm not kidding that i want to. so much.
the past wasn't that bad as most people think it was.
it wasn't that messed-up.
i knew the order.
it's just here-and-there and nowhere else.
it was easy and simple.
but life now is supposedly really good,
at least better than the past.

you're right. everybody struggles with something.
i looked you in the eye and replied i don't.
but now, i can't.
i'm realising that maybe, very possibly, that that is what i struggle with as well.
that exact same thing.
it scares me.
because i've just realised it. after so long. it takes two hands to clap.
because i hated that. but now, i seem to see that i'm the same.
and because of it, i'm no longer in a position to say f-off to anybody.
but one thing i know for sure - it isn't strong (yet), my control is better,
and i'll never cheat. never.

bible.
jeremiah 5:1-8.
so what does it mean?
i'm utterly thoroughly more confused than i've ever been.
and even more afraid because of my realisation.
is it confirming what i think? i think it is.
there's only so much they can tell me.
the rest is up to me.

there were actually signs when i was younger.
but i refused and turned a blind eye
to those signs and warnings that it was in me as well.
i firmly believed i'm not the same, that what i believed in was different.
it's only today that i'm looking at it in the eye
and acknowledging its presence.
i'm not thinking too much. it just hit me like that.

i've more-or-less played the role of the victim. although i don't want to.
i've cried.
i've raged.
i've more-or-less thought myself as not being the same.
but it suddenly hit me tonight,
in this silent, dark night,
that it turns out that maybe i'm just the same as you.
because i built walls,
i didn't see myself.
now i'm digging out memories and reflecting on myself.

that whatever i've said and typed
in the past was rubbish.
total nonsense. with no value at all.

i'm reading the emails from the "thankyou" folder.
i just finished reading the very first email.
it still is painful. so i stopped.
but pain is necessary for me to see if i'm really the exact same type.

i want so much to try to ask you if i am.
but i don't know how to.
i don't know how to broach the topic,
without making it seem like i'm harping on it,
and without pulling anyone in.
it's a sensitive topic.
but i need to confirm what i think.
if it really is, what am i going to do?
am i going to struggle with it for a long time too?
what if it happens again?
will i start to look down on myself when i realise it is what i think it is?

i still did.

i feel like staying at home tml.
can i don't go?

`are we really
the same kind after all?
i think we actually are.

2009-09-06T02:49:00.000+08:00

saturday. 05.09.09.

presenting the OWM.
OWM! i know i took another picture too but i was crazy fat in it
and your expression was exactly the same as above,
so it's sama-sama!
let's do taohuey-supper together with the girl someday!
ohh, the top right picture is the reflection of us.
and i took a picture of my ezlink card coz the green colour
"ez" word is fading rapidly. it's a remembrance that it was once there.
how chui can my card get in a few months since i bought a new one?

what a day.
cg.
vivo-shopping w OWM. and yes, we bought stuff. (:
claria's home w OWM. then cabbed home with OWM.
"i feel high at night."
"HAHAHA. you feel horny!"
*went on to some other topic.*
"we need bigger boobs laa."
pink-me, red-the girl.
HAHAHA.
you know when i'm really comfortable with you and trust you wholeheartedly,
when i show you my bra strap and part of my bra,
without you forcing me and i can go on to discussing my cup size.
and you need not be a girl.
admit my hot pink bra is pretty.
i probably would have gotten very high,
if there was alcohol involved tonight.

arm-wrestled with OWM and claria.
won claria, but lost to OWM.
DAMN.
HAHAHAHA.
strong me. OWM admitted that i'm strong.
i wanna try arm-wrestling samuel tay! HAH.

church tml.

i need to diary-entry some things.
i'll publish my diary entry that i'll write for today,
when i feel that the time is right.
it could be in a few weeks' time, a few months' down the road. i'm not sure.
i know i'll probably receive some texts,
phonecalls, online conversations
if i ever have to post the entry.
but if it ever comes to the time where i have to publish that entry,
it really means something already.
the time finally comes that i have to stop, think and figure out,
before i go on to doing anything else.
coz by then, if i publish the entries,
it means that i can no longer answer to myself anymore,
i can't give persuasive answers to the questions that i ask myself anymore.
remember this paragraph.
so you'll know and understand what it's about if and when i publish that entry.
and if that time comes, i'm sorry if i disappointed you over my decision.
but i have to be able and need to answer my own questions first.
trust me and understand, it isn't an all-of-a-sudden thing.
it was always there. though it grew a lil stronger recently.
i hope i don't ever have to publish it. but i feel it coming. it's very near.
i'll say sorry in advance.

`finale.

18 wheeler
can't keep me down
can't keep me down, down
can't keep me down
i said, you can't keep me down
you know, you can't keep me down
i said, you can't keep me down

hey hey man, what's your problem?
i see you trying to hurt me bad
don't know what you're up against
maybe you should reconsider
come up with another plan
'cause you know i'm not that kinda girl
that'll lay there and let you come first

you can push me out the window (you can)
i'll just get back up
you can run over me with your 18 wheeler truck
and i won't give a fuck
you can hang me like a slave
i'll go underground (go underground)
you can run me over with your 18 wheeler but (ooh)
you can't keep me down, down, down, down
can't keep me down, down
can't keep me down, down, down
can't keep me down, down
aah ah ah

hey hey girl, are you ready for today?
you got your shield and sword
'cause it's time to play the games
you are beautiful
even though you're not for sure
don't let him pull you by the scar
you're gonna get your feelings hurt, yeah

(everywhere that i go) there's someone waiting to chain me
(everything that i say) there's someone trying to short-change me
(i am only this way) because
of what you have made me
and i'm not gonna break

2009-09-05T07:59:00.003+08:00

huh?
怪怪的.
today is friday, right? right.
but you weren't the usual friday you at all.
for most of the entire day.
but now you are again. i'm more used to the way you are.
~~the way you aren't is more lovable though.~~

updated the song-list.

tummy's feeling queasy again.
i'm feeling tired and don't feel like getting my butt out of the house tml.
GROWLS.

going to finish the final 6 episodes of
the cat-and-dog drama serial tonight.
when a dog loves a cat.
jie has to return the dvds soon.

2009-09-05T02:22:00.000+08:00

小巴愛cancan.

好餓.
肚子一直咕嚕咕嚕地叫.
好累. 睡不着.
但現在吃, 好像有點太晚了吧?

有想要吃意大利面的衝動.

2009-09-04T16:39:00.000+08:00

grey, black, dark-coloured clothing is more of my type of thing.
i actually bought this because i liked the lacey material at the back.
school attire for today.
it was maths - differentiation.
i so hate differentiating ln and e equations. GRR.
they kill alot of my brain cells at one go.
i'm going to develop arm muscles by the end of the year.
lecture notes are T.H.I.C.K. especially on wednesdays.
that's why i don't feel like school-ing on wednesdays.
+ the fact that it's a morning lecture.
and the thickest notes are for PBF,
which is the module that i don't like the most. hmm.
TGIF! i've been feeling a lil tired this week.
i need to trim my hair before my hairstylist goes on her maternity leave.

my friend, whom i just got to know in school,
and only saw once for POA lecture,
although he added me on msn,
and we exchanged numbers,
walked up to me today at the end of maths lecture to say hi to me.
i was so tired and i stared blankly back at him for at least 5 seconds,
before i recognised him and said hi back. with a smile.
now that i think back, i think he could practically hear the seconds ticking away.
but it really wasn't intentional. ): i remember his name!
but can't really remember his face.
i feel really bad when people recognise me but i don't.
it's bad when i take more than a few seconds to flip through the pages of my memory.
it's worse when they say hi,
but i can't remember from where and how i got to know them.
i need a "recognising-people for dummies" book. ):

ohh, i'm thinking of looking for leopard-print hoop earrings.
i have the pair below but the hoops are too large for me.

hoops too large. shouldn't have bought them. ):
but maybe it will come in handy someday?
so it's treasure hunt again for a not-too-big-not-too-small pair of earrings.

i wished they made pumps in my size.
so i can wear them.
i've been searching high and low for covered-up pumps that fits me.
but all of them are too large.
but no, i like my current feet size though
i, sometimes, can't wear shoes that i like,
coz my feet size is a lil small.
and sometimes, my current pairs of heels don't really suit what i wear,
neither does my flats.
i like the really basic type of black heels.
but i don't really like any type of pointed tip heels/shoes/flats.

hearts. pink baby mittens. mickey/minnie mouse.
earrings that i had long time ago but never wore.
i wore the hearts pair to school yesterday.
first wear ever since i bought them from korea in '06.
i can't remember how much it cost already,
but i do remember bargaining with the shop owner halfway,
when she hugged me and said okay.
i was stunned. but anyway, bargaining successful! HAHA.
i made it my goal to try to push the price down even by a little bit
when we went shopping at the non-shopping centres.
stuff at shopping centres were all crazy expensive so i didn't get anything.
i have no idea when and on what occassion will i wear
the baby mittens or the mice pair.

my pink blingbling nails.
it doesn't actually have the lian effect that i thought it would have.
turned out quite princess-y and elegant actually. HAH.
i should go and search for more blingbling in diferent colours.
like electric blue (nai! are you reading this? haha.),
or in hotter pink.

a cat. it's time.
i'm a dog right now.

going for a short nap,
before it's dinner later on.
nights, world.

`what love is i don't know
if it's not the response
of our deepest natures to one another.

is it love or just a curse?

listening to: do what u do.

do what u do
some people like the summer when it's hot
some people like the winter cold
some people speak their minds when they wanna
and some other people ain't so bold

whatever it is that you should do
you should do it with your head held high
so, when you're doing your thing it's 'cause you wanna
and they never can ask you why

i say, do what u do
say what you say
mean what you mean when you say

'cause it's your life
gotta make your own rules
and you gotta do it your way

some like it easy when others they like it rough
but ain't nobody gotta like it but you
girl, boy, boy, girl, girl, girl, boy, boy
whatever, you should do what you do

how can they tell you that you could or should
would or wouldn't?
well ask 'em can they walk in your shoes?
'cause it's your life and you do what you wanna
remember, baby, it's all about you

so, if it's on your mind
then you should speak your piece
and say what'cha say

and if you want it done
then you should get it done
and do it your way

`try me.

2009-09-03T20:32:00.000+08:00

i school-ed.
maths assignment-ing now.

jie offered to get a coach wallet. i didn't request for it at all.

I WANT A JOB.
ANY LOBANGS?
I NEED TO JOB-HUNT SOON.
preferably that allows me to only work on mondays,
tuesdays, friday afternoons and saturday evenings.
i'm very tempted to work on saturdays in that bugis junction shop.
but then cg how? don't go?
it's a tough decision.
surviving requires money but i'm unemployed,
but yet i don't really want to take allowance.
which i have to.
DAMN.
even a hundred bucks a month is okay.
at least it can subsidise my sky-high transportation fares.
the only thing i really can't stand about being 19years old,
is having to pay adult fare.
my heart bleeds every single time i stand in front of the top-up machine,
or pass my money over to the man in the green uniform
behind the counter.
i literally feel it ache.

i have to deposit 10bucks into my uob account.
i'm so determined to let it have
at least a minimum amount of 200bucks.
i'm hoping it will actually be 2000bucks in 12 months.
but after calculating it's not possible
coz i'd need to save 150bucks a month.
i will try.
if i keep it up year after year, saving 1800bucks a year,
by the time i graduate and i'm 22years old, i'd have 5600bucks.
not alot but it's good too.
when i start working, i should be able to save more.
and it's easier if i want to start a family in the future,
whether married or alone.
it's good. i'll aim for 150bucks a month for the next 3 years.

taking a rest from maths assignment-ing,
and i'm planning my budget for the month of september.
DAMN. i still have my phone bill for the month to pay.
this month's really money-no-enough.
i have a feeling i would be poorer than the month of july - S$4.32.
500bucks minus 100bucks for my insurance,
and 200bucks in my uob account as savings,
and after i pay my mum the 120bucks i owed her,
i'm left with 80bucks for the month. i have $7.40 in my wallet now.
JIAYOU! - i don't think that word will help.
i think i have to withdraw some money from the uob account.
i need to update my posb passbook to see how much i've left in there.

ohno. i just remembered tithings.
okay. solution: i'll eat less and won't go out that often.
i should be able to save abit like this.
maybe i should use my credit card.
but then i may be stuck in the same situation next month again.
i need to think for a while.
i shouldn't have spent $2.70 on chicken nuggets and soybean milk today.

THIS IS CRAZY.
I JUST INPUT ALL MY NECESSARY "MUST-SPEND"
EXPENSES FOR THE MONTH,
AND IT AMOUNTS TO S$241.60.
it's only 03.09.09.
I'M REALLY REALLY QUITE DEAD.
BUT I'LL SURVIVE THROUGH THIS TRYING PERIOD. I WILL.

i don't know if i do or i don't.

read gf baby's latest post.
and yes, i agree wholeheartedly.
it's what i discovered and learnt myself too.
throughout all the years of growing up.
throughout all the setbacks, challenges,
ups and downs and hurdles.
i know that all of it won't end,
life won't be a smooth-sailing journey.
but those are what makes us grow up even more,
even faster, makes us learn things
we didn't know before.
and life wouldn't be as interesting
without those, would it?
we wouldn't be able to feel the sweet feeling
of being able to get pass those obstacles, would we?
so maybe we should smile coz we have obstacles
to climb over, obstacles that we can still handle.
although i admit that it's difficult sometimes.

it seems that all of us pl girls
have really slowly grown up already.
tongzhi, gf, me. and all the rest.
we aren't the secondary school kids,
running around anymore.
we're the ones responsible
for our own happiness,
and our own lives already.
i suddenly thought of what
ms gan would always address us as -
young ladies. that's what we are, aren't we?

and i can safely say without thinking,
without hesistating,
that tongzhi is my that one true friend.
i can't 100% say that she understands me inside-out
or vice versa.
coz sometimes, i don't even understand myself.
she always says that my thinking is of a different
frequency from others,
which i don't deny it. it's true.
talk to me and you'll soon more-or-less realise.
but i'm not actually all that ditsy.
it just depends on whether i want to be ditsy
with you or not.

i know this friendship will be here to stay,
for a very long time. (:

i feel like eating a plate of stingray + a bowl of rice. ):
i'll drink water instead.
this sucks. it sucks balls.

2009-09-02T20:00:00.000+08:00

boundaries.
limitations.
trust.
not to trust.
pray.
tell me how to.

pms.
emotions overload.
rage, cry, tear.

bible.
i silently begged Him to tell me what's wrong with me
and to help me out of my tears and everything
that i've been feeling for the past days.
coz i can't put my finger down on a particular issue
that made me feel this way.
"taste and see that the Lord is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him."
-psalm 34:8
that was the first verse i saw when i opened the bible
to a random page.
but it only served to make me cry even more.
thankyouthankyouthankyou.

and i realised that yes, it's true.
that non-christians really won't ask me to pray or read the bible,
when i feel down or upset.
but i still love my non-christian friends. alot.
but christians would. like that time i told sam and claria about my problem,
they told me to pray.
and i love my christian friends alot as well.
but i don't deny that i'm probably half-there, half-here.
coz reading the bible and praying will occur to me,
but not until i can't withstand my feelings anymore.
before then, the thought of reading the bible and praying
doesn't really hit me.

but yet, i know that nobody will take the place of tongzhi.
even if she's a non-christian.
she's important to me.
even though we don't see each other as much as we used to,
ever since school began,
text messages, online conversations and phonecalls
are still exchanged between us.
we've gone through many years of friendship between us,
our ups and downs,
examinations, cold wars,
laughter, tears, really unglam moments,
talking about everything under the sun,
openly sharing our thoughts, views and opinions,
and everything else.

it's amazing how she can make me smile
and make me feel warm and fuzzy inside,
by telling me random things about her day in her text messages,
by texting me random messages at random times,
by putting smiley-s in her messages,
by saying "coz i've known you since you were a little mushroom."
and make me smile just by asking "how's school?"
mygoodness. i don't think i need to explain, anymore, why she's my tongzhi.
and why she forever will be.
ilovehersomuch.

and my "thank you." folder in my hotmail,
shows me the emails that gf sent to me,
when she knew and could feel that i was breaking down periodically
in the past,
although i didn't show it in front of them.
iloveyoutoo.
and although i, sometimes, want to click on the emails to read them again,
i don't have the courage to do so.
the very first email she sent, made me burst into tears,
as i read it, seated on my bed,
with my lappie in front of me,
at around 3am in the morning.
and i cried for a very long while that night.

"to myself." folder in my hotmail.
there are 4 emails in that folder.
3 of which are really written by me, for me.
1 is addressed to those 3 girls.
but i didn't send it out to them.
i typed in my email address instead,
and sent it to myself.
i clicked on the 4 emails and read them.
i still tear but i don't cry over it anymore.

i just wrote another email to myself.
an email that is different from the previous 4.
coz this time, there's another person whom i mentioned in the email.
he's god.

i still have no courage to click on the emails
under the "thank you." folder.
even after reading the emails in the "to myself." folder.
i very nearly did but i stopped.
my cursor was there, my finger was on the button.
but i didn't click on it.

i keep trying to wait for time to pass,
until i can feel better once again.
until i can feel more like myself again.
i admit i kept trying to not turn to Him,
subconsciously.
i admit all i did was to keep trying
to search deep within myself,
and ask myself what was wrong and find the reason
why i was acting like this.
all i kept telling myself is that "i should sleep.
i'll feel better after i sleep.
i'll watch dvds, i'll blog, i'll play games,
i'll chat online, i'll text, i'll talk on the phone.
i'll try to finish my readings,
i'll try to balance my accounts.
i'll feel better after all that."
but the moment, i decided to turn to Him,
opened the bible, i just flipped to a random page,
that verse was what my eyes first saw
among all the many other verses on the page.
i took a double-glance,
coz i wondered if i read wrongly,
and what i saw was actually something else.
that was a verse that i was vaguely aware of,
but had no idea what book, chapter or verse it was,
until now.
is it a coincidence or is it not?
it's the 2nd time.
i think the thing i need to learn and need the most,
isn't to learn how to speak in tongues,
isn't to learn how to agree during prayers,
isn't to learn how to say my prayers out loud.
but what i need to learn and need the most,
is to learn how to trust and turn to Him. is that what they call faith?
because i know and realised that i used to rely on others
way too often in the past,
for even the smallest things in my life,
i want to rely on myself now. i want to be braver.
i want to be stronger.
i tell myself i can work things out,
i can succeed, i can keep things within me
and break it down myself and they'll be gone. solved. i can.
but i'm seeing that it doesn't always work out the way i want it to,
no matter how i force myself to walk in the direction
that i want to, that i think is where i should walk towards.

i tried so hard to make myself feel jubilant but i couldn't.
mummy could see the obvious change in me for the past few days.
she asked if i was okay, if i was sick,
coz she had never seen me this down before.
she asked if everything was alright and if anything was wrong.
i couldn't give her an answer coz i don't know what's wrong as well.
i didn't know how to answer.

but mummy thinks that since i'm going to church and everything,
i should, by right, be feeling alot happier than i used to in the past.
but i'm only human, aren't i?
i'm entitled to my ups and downs.
i can't possibly be happy 24/7, for the rest of my life,
just because i'm a christian and i go to church, go to cg. or can i?
or should i?

god's really busy, isn't he?
with so many things to do and so many people in the world.
but yet he still bothers to care about me.

i feel like disappearing. flying off to an isolated island.
seeing the sunset, sunrise, stars at night, all by myself,
with only the birds chirping all around me.
i don't feel like accounting to anybody my whereabouts.
i feel like being alone for now.
i feel like switching off my phone.
i feel like forgetting that the world exists and that i'm in it.

i just can't make myself feel happy right now,
no matter what i do.
i can't make myself feel the happiness,
no matter how hard i try,
no matter how hard i push myself.

but i'm feeling a lil better now.
thankgod.
it will only get better, won't it?

some things are difficult for me to put down in words.
it's just this intangible feeling,
this feeling - no shape, no colours, you can't grab hold of it.
but yet, i'm starting to think that He actually understands it
and knows exactly how to comfort me and make me feel better.
He makes me feel safe and makes me feel
like i don't have to explain myself,
explain anything to him.
i feel like i don't have to explain to Him
why i'm feeling what i'm feeling.
i don't have to think of words to use to describe it to Him,
but He just knows it.
i feel like i can tell Him anything,
even my most embarassing feeling, in my most unglam moment,
without being apprehensive, without being scared,
without being shy, without being embarassed.
i realised. when i think of Him, i actually feel the safest
and protected.

thankyou.
i think i'm in love with Him. =P
i think He's trustworthy.
and i think he has been really patient with me.
i move forward, i retreat, i move forward, i retreat.
but He's still there when i need Him and when i need a hug.
i think i can learn how to trust and rely on Him.

WAIT. THIS IS FUNNY.
LAST NIGHT, JIE DREAMT THAT I GOT MARRIED BEFORE HER,
AND SHE WAS HAPPILY PREPARING FOR MY WEDDING.
HAHAHA. and i actually don't mind becoming a single mummy.

i'm chomping on kitkat now.
i'm sure god doesn't mind a fat girl, right?
i haven't had a good appetite for ages already.
mummy hugged me the other day
and said that she thinks i've lost weight.
which i actually don't really think so.
idk. maybe i did?

knock knock
a second, a minute, an hour, a day goes by
i'm hoping just to be by your side
i'm turning the handle, it won't open
don't make me wait 'cause right now i need your smile
knock, knock

when life had locked me out i turned to you
so open the door
'cause you're all i need right now, it's true
nothing works like you

little louder, little louder
little louder knocking
little louder, little louder

a warm bath, a good laugh, an old song
that you know by heart
i've tried it but they all leave me cold
so now i'm here waiting to see you
my remedy for all that's been hurting me
knock, knock

you seem to know the way
to turn my frown upside down
you always know what to say
to make me feel like everything's okay

when life has locked me out, i turned to you
and you open the door
and you're all i need right now, it's true
nothing works like you